OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
sensitive skin
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”