Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
quarantine day 3
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”