Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
this is the best day of my life
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.