My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
reviewed some movies recently
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up