bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco