I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!