I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels