Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Seductively sings in Klingon.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Yes my dude
iPhone X
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock