I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The Friday File.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school