Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”