I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Ron is short for Aaronald
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask