Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.