Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
thanks auntie mary
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance