Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I don鈥檛 even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There鈥檚 no point.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy鈥檚: show me the square cows
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Geez man, take it easy.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I鈥檓 not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i鈥檒l make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that鈥檚 why nothing makes sense in this world.