i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Looking at you, Jesus.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices