When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.