I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My life coach traded me.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.