“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*