Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Super Hand Dog Face
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.