Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Money is the root of all wealth
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.