Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
And then there were 4
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing