MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Watermelon Boss!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!