I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.