Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Thursday Thought.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.