Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You Might Also Like
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.