A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Perfect.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish