netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….