I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
So, can we agree on 4 or
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.