He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.