if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Proctology is located in A55
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.