Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99