Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
You Might Also Like
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
We’ve all been there…
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.