[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
welcome back
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.