I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*