Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.