[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.