If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”