Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”