Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!