FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?