I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.