Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
it’s either covid or clever vampires
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole