MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Got him!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter