Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.