Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
A choir of Spring onions
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity