“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Mission: Impossible
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.