Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
TWEET CALL
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
fired
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.