Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Seems kinda suspicious
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?