Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.