*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You Might Also Like
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Lmao the reply
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Spell check is for lasers.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary